A Dog’s Life

Do you have a dog? I do. His name is Charlie. He’s a chocolate lab. He’s adorable. But not when he’s pawing me while I’m in the bathroom or sitting in my favorite spot on the living room couch drinking a glass of wine or even when he decides to break free from his leash and take off to poop in the neighbor’s yard — the one neighbor who doesn’t have a dog so it’s pretty obvious that the huge load he just dropped can only be from my dog. Or, it could be from that double doodle a few houses down but I doubt any dog can drop a load like my Charlie. But I digress.

My dog has it made. He gets to sleep all day. He gets to go for a walk when his owners feel the weather is warm enough so he can lift his leg on every post, mailbox, street sign, and blade of grass. But only those blades of grass that he doesn’t mistake for green beans. Because those blades of grass get eaten up. Just yesterday we were out for a walk and Charlie insisted on tasting about a hundred thousand blades of grass. This is what was running through his mind: There’s a green bean. Nope. That was grass. Another green bean. Nope. Green bean! Nope. Green bean! No, but there’s a green bean! Blah. Not a green bean. Green bean! Jackpot! Green bean! Nope. Green bean!

And this is why Charlie has a made life. Green beans. Why green beans? We took our little beast to the vet in December and found out (once again) that he was a bit on the heavy side. The vet suggested we start feeding him 1.5 cups of dog food with 1/2 cup of green beans. I, personally, don’t know why any dog would want green beans from a can. Fresh green beans — yes. From a can? Uh, gross. Well we tried the green bean diet the next day. We’ve created a monster. The damn dog knows exactly when it’s time to eat breakfast and knows exactly when he’s going to be fed his dinner. With green beans. Don’t forget those green beans. He’s rabid. (He doesn’t really have rabies, but if a dog had rabies I bet it would bark and drool just like Charlie as he watches us scoop green beans into his food bowl.)

I love my dog.

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